Bittersweet Memory Cookies
April is my bittersweet month of anniversaries.
Four years ago, on the fourth day of this fourth month, Hugh and I were married — in the early days of a global pandemic, after cancelling our wedding just three weeks earlier. It was not the swanky evening in the oh-so-perfect wine-bar-slash-art-gallery surrounded by family and friends that we had envisioned during our months of meticulous planning. We didn't mingle, dine and dance to the playlists we'd curated and fine-tuned over weeks of cocktail hour listening parties. It wasn't a time filled with hugs and congratulations and memory making. Instead, we crossed the street to a condo building community room (albeit, a very lovely room) where our two best friends joined us for a carefully disinfected and socially distanced Plan B: an abbreviated ceremony with our officiant on Zoom, followed by carryout dinner at separate tables and wine-soaked chatting on sofas ten feet apart.
It's not the wedding day we thought we’d have (and wouldn’t be the last time we canceled our wedding three weeks before the event), but it is a testimony of our resolve and resilience. It's very much in keeping with our life's recurring theme of picking up the pieces and making the most of otherwise disappointing circumstances. And, in some strange way, that might be exactly what makes the inner structure of this relationship feel so disaster-proof. It is connection and acceptance, respect and humor, and the honesty to say we're disappointed but not going to give up our day, to hell with covid!
Just a few days later in the month is the anniversary of my mother's death. This year, I cross the unimaginable threshold of the point at which I will have lived half of my life without her. And yet, there are still times when an unexpected memory or talking about her or the recognition that I'm missing her is still enough to make me cry.
And I think about her often. Despite all the life I've lived and all the ways I've grown differently and decidedly away from my family of origin, she is my most salient influence. She is the source of my caring and caretaking nature (for better or worse) and the reason I obsessively value family and holidays. She taught me to be honest and helpful, a good person, and to do the right thing when no one is looking. And though it took me some time to learn to safeguard myself in the process, she was the one who showed me what it means to love unconditionally.
Rather ironically, it was this same date fifteen years ago on which I adopted a darling pup who would prove to be the most enduring chosen relationship of my life. Radley and I were together through scores of ups and downs, grand adventures and some extraordinary heartaches. He was there for my biggest joys, all the laughs, and a multitude of changes. With each step, he treated every person he met like his long-lost best friend, and as a result, he was loved by absolutely everyone who ever met him.
I knew he wouldn't live forever, diligently observed the signs as he was getting on in years, knew his time was coming and knew it would break my heart when at last we’d have to say goodbye. That time came three weeks ago. I profoundly underestimated the heartbreak.
A friend shared a quote that feels about right.
“There are some who would argue that a dog’s life is insignificant. But God so often chooses to use insignificant things in significant ways. In the grand scheme, we’re all insignificant until love shows up.” —Linford Detweiler
These cookies are my way of paying tribute this year — and of making something sweet out of dark things. The black cocoa is the recognizably bittersweet flavor of Oreos, which makes the good thick coating of sweet royal icing the perfect touch. This recipe has just a hint of orange, because that's how I like it, but you could opt for mint, coconut, your favorite liqueur, almond, or just the hint of vanilla that’s already in there, whatever suits your own taste and honors your own memories.
Enjoy — and hold the ones you love extra close, friends.
These are some of the items I find especially helpful for this bake. (These are affiliate links.)
King Arthur All-Purpose Flour
Black Cocoa Powder from Modern Mountain
King Arthur Fiori di Sicilia Extract
Unbleached Parchment Sheets from SMARTAKE
Black Cocoa Bittersweet Memory Cookies
makes about 30 cookies (3” cookies rolled 1/4” thick)
INGREDIENTS
2 + 1/2 cups good all-purpose flour
1/2 cup dark black cocoa powder
2 teaspoons cornstarch
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup butter, room temperature
1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 egg + 1 yolk, room temperature
1 teaspoon good quality vanilla
1 teaspoon orange blossom extract
Royal Icing for decorating
INSTRUCTIONS
In a medium-large bowl, whisk the dry ingredients thoroughly and set aside.
In the bowl of an electric mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream the butter, shortening and sugars until fluffy.
Add the egg and extracts and mix until well incorporated.
Add the flour mixture and mix on low/medium-low until incorporated, stopping to scrape the bowl as needed.
Roll the dough out to 1/4-inch thick between sheets of parchment paper. Use a cookie cutter to cut desired shape(s) close together. Remove the bits of dough from between the shapes, and add it to the remaining dough. Slide the parchment onto a cookie sheet, and put the sheet in the freezer. Repeat with remaining dough.
Freeze the sheets of cookies for at least 1 hour or overnight. (I place small risers in the corners of the sheet in order to stack another on top without squishing the cookies.)
Preheat the oven to 350°.
Remove one cookie sheet at a time from the freezer and space the frozen cookies about 2 inches apart. (Put the extras back into the freezer until you’re ready for the next batch.)
Bake for 10-11 minutes, until the tops of the cookies look just barely dry in the center.
Remove from the oven and allow cookies to cool on the pan for a couple of minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.
Repeat steps 8-10 until all cookies have been baked.
Let cookies cool for at least 1 hour or overnight before decorating.
You can find my recipe for Royal Icing here — for these cookies, I used just 1 + 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla to complement but not overpower the cookie’s flavor.
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